So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
