I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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