I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
