mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize