When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
