I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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