I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
