she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
