I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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