clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
