If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
