Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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