I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
