my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize