also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
