i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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