i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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