Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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