2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
