Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
