dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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