And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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