i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
