apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
