I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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