Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
