Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
