No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
