I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
