As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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