I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
