this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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