i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just found puke in my bra..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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