I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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