He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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