I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
