Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
