note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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