So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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