This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
