I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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