How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
