We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
