I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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