who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
