I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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