you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
