My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i drank out of a bidet.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
