Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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