I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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