Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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