his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
tell me about the fingering
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
