I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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