I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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