I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
