That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
