my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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