I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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