yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
