I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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