I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
