I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
