Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
