so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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